pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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