there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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