You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
