Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We are all done wearing pants today
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
