Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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