Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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