dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
