I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
