Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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