I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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