I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just high enough for therapy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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