I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Do vagina's smell?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
