Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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