so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
