also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
