I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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