Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
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