To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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