Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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