my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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