its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
