Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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