Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
