I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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