this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The uberlube is also flammable
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
