So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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