Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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