dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
