Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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