I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
