got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
