I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
