I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
