Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
