those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
