Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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