really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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