he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
