I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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