I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
