Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
