i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
