Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
