you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
