this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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