just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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