Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
