I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
