I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
