he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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