then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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