i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
