I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
