I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
