Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
