id be glad to
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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