my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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