If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
